Some time ago it was reported in the Indian Press about a husband who was caught by the police for stealing jewellery from the house of his in-laws! When I enquired for the reason behind why such a loving son-in-law would ever want to do such a shameful act, a phenomenal story emerged.

Rajesh was working with a BPO and suddenly lost his job as the company laid-off a hundred odd employees. He didn't want to disappoint his wife with this news. Therefore, he kept acting as if he was going to the office and spending all of the office hours roaming around aimlessly. As the month-end came nearer, he could not land another job and had to show the salary to his wife. It was this that prompted him to steal the jewels from the house of his in-laws. The unsuspecting in-laws informed the local police, who promptly caught the thief to the utter shock of everyone!

Rajesh might have thought he had a valid reason not to be honest with his wife, that is, to let her not be hurt by the unpleasant news of his job loss. But alas, look at how much more he has hurt her! This time, not just his wife, but his entire family! Even though Rajesh was married, he was growing apart from his wife, slowly becoming a ‘stranger’ to his own wife.

In one of the surveys conducted in Banglore among young couples married for less than ten years, around 75% of women listed 'husbands not being honest or open' as their top concern. Interestingly, among men, it didn’t appear even among the top five concerns.

Naked heart

Once we happened to meet a famous athlete for a counselling session. It soon became apparent that both of them were guarding their privacy fiercely! The only common thread of existence was that of a two-year-old baby! She had no clue about any area of his life… how much salary he earned or what his current job was etc. On the other hand, even he had no clue about her life. He always felt that she was more close to her own brothers and sisters than him.

Recently he bought a car for his parents without telling his wife. She came to know of that when the EMI letter from the Bank reached home. As she narrated this pain to us, he challenged her with his own ‘finding’ - he caught her 'red-handed' shopping with her 'forbidden sister' a week ago without the knowledge of her husband! Both spouses thrive on their dishonest behaviour and at the same time yearn for a peaceful coexistence! That is as easy as creating a square circle!

For an honest relationship, one needs to be real and transparent with your spouse. Although being transparent is risky and restrictive, the rewards are great because it leads to deeper trust and intimacy in a relationship. No one can know himself through self-introspection, as much as can be revealed by the spouse in a transparent relationship.

Excuses exposed

There are several reasons for being non-transparent and dishonest in a marital relationship. Some of them that we heard are as follows:

"He is not interested in knowing what is happening to me, hence I hide it from him.”

If there is a lack of interest in knowing what your spouse is going through, an alarm bell should certainly ring within you. It is similar to a person being sick/having a fever and thus not having an appetite for food! Being non-transparent is not the solution to this problem.

"He has no time to know all these small things that I do. So I do not bother him.”

If a busy schedule is creating this non-transparent behaviour, it is high time the spouses sit and talk it over before their marriage falls apart. If one doesn't have time for the most valuable relationship on earth, then what on earth are we busy with?

She can't handle this burden, therefore let me not bother her.

Often we have found in counselling sessions, the other spouse getting angry with such assertions because the non-transparent dealing has created far more stress in their life than otherwise. One must learn how to communicate with one's spouse in order to avoid unnecessary stress. Being non-transparent is only going to increase what you dread otherwise.

She'll make me feel even more tense.

This can be true if the spouse is in the habit of getting worked up fast. This can escalate matters quickly. Hence, a dose of wisdom is required in the manner and matter of conversation. It is hard, but uprooting communication would be akin to choking your marriage to death, slowly.

"He might get angry if I tell him"

The spouse with low emotional control must make a conscious effort to ensure that honesty is not received with hostility. Instead, affirm your spouse of your support, even though you may disagree with what happened. This will increase transparency. One should shed the unpredictable form of retaliation so that the spouse is able to confide in matters with a greater sense of security.

Honesty - A divine virtue

It is said that "God is light". What that means is God's dealings with humans are honest and as plain as daylight. Hence, honesty is a divine virtue.

If we boast of having a slice of divine nature in us, there should not be a side of our life which is not seen by the spouse; we ought to walk in the light. This honest living brings greater oneness in couples. The greatest gift of marriage is to be loved by the spouse in spite of honestly revealing one’s true colours. There is no guilt or hidden fear in such relationships.

It goes without saying that the antithesis of honest living is a lying life. Lying could take the form of either actively expressed or passively implied behaviour. While dishonesty might usher in temporary peace, in the long run, it is painfully damaging.

Masked personalities

Why should a so called ‘love marriage’ ever fail? Contrary to common logic, it is observed that many so-called 'love marriages' end up in divorce. Didn't one really feel good about being in the company of the other? It is after intense courtship that they decides to get married. Then why should it fail?

At the heart of such pre-marital relationships, on many a occasion, we find two individuals wearing some beautiful masks that appeal to the other person. Both are blind to their own or the other's mask. They were at their best behaviour before marriage. Once married, the masks are off and then, a feeling of being cheated emerges on both ends..

However, honesty does not mean that we mindlessly rattle whatever comes to mind. One ought to be mindful of the reason for communication, which is essential to building up a marital relationship.

A piece of advice from Paul (the apostle from first century AD) "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” [1]. After all, the ultimate purpose should be to build intimacy with one another and not to intimidate the other. Dr. Larry Crabb, a renowned Psychologist points out, "Certainly we struggle as victims of other people's unkindness... but we cannot excuse our sinful response to others on grounds of their mistreatment. We are responsible for what we do"[2].

The starting point

Self-honesty is where we must begin, that is, by being honest to ourselves. Take a moment to stare at our past and recognise why we think or act in a certain way. It could be due to child abuse or dysfunction of our ‘family of origin’, due to alcoholism of a Parent or other reasons. Such forgotten pain areas need to be addressed as they usually determine how we handle present relationships. It is to identify the pattern of our 'defence mechanism' that had been developed during crisis in order to handle pain. It will give us a sense of what we are likely to do even today in a given situation, since the strategies that we followed during childhood are likely to be intact even after decades.

Secondly, we must be honest with our spouses. This is the hardest task as we fear an angry response, rejection etc. Who wants to break the 'apple cart' by telling some truths that could hurt? Being honest is sometimes uncomfortable because sometimes it involves exposing our innermost longings and emotions of our heart. It would mean losing control and abandonment of our self-protective veil. One must know that the castle built upon the sand is not a lasting one. If durability is in our minds, it should have a solid foundation of truth and honesty. Spouses should be willing to take a risk, so that one can be honest with the other! It is worth the risk in a loving relationship.

Honestly, revealing one's fears and concerns to one another does not start as a 'big bang', like a huge explosion of some past information. It starts with sharing the smallest joys and disappointments of the day, when we meet after a long working day! It will progress in a way of giving feedback to each other when hurt. While giving honest feedback about the spouses' hurtful words or behaviour, it is important not to point an accusing finger at the spouse. I should express how those words/behaviour hurt ‘me’ as an individual, rather than expressing how ‘you’ have been hurting me. The moment fingers are pointed towards the spouse, it is war out there! Instead, if ‘my pain’ is explained without ‘accusation’, chances of understanding it is much better.

The great benefit

The loving, honest behaviour between spouses essentially helps them to know each other better. Slowly, even unpleasant information can also be shared, which essentially presents an opportunity to forgive.

Spouses who are honest to each other in every respect are likely to experience great intimacy with each other. Isn't it obvious that we generally do not feel 'intimate' with a stranger? A marriage built at 'safe distance' is a disaster waiting to occur. It is like playing hide-and-seek all your life and never finding who your spouse really is.

Unless spouses are willing to change and are willing to forgive, honesty is unlikely to thrive in that relationship. Unless honesty thrives in a marriage, spouses are unlikely to know each other. No wonder some spouses, when exposed to certain unimaginable behaviour from their partner at some unsuspecting moment, scream in horror "Are you kidding me?!"

References

[+] Survey was conducted by Honeycomb Family Foundation

[1] Bible - Ephesians 4:29

[2] Larry Crabb - Inside Out, Page 132, Colorado Springs NavPress 1988