Suresh and Sunanda

Suresh secretly stood at the bus stop where his wife Sunanda boarded the bus to see whether she was talking to any other guy and then leaped on to the bus to check whether she was sitting next to a man.

It was only two months since their marriage, but from Day 1, he was tormented by thoughts of his wife being unfaithful. Every day, he follows her to work and every night he interrogates her about her office interactions. He doesn't like her talking to even her male relatives!

Even though he can't find anything amiss, and he loves her dearly, he is not able to get over with this nagging thought of her drifting away from him.

Suresh’s parents had a very tumultuous relationship. Children had regularly seen them physically abusing each other. Meanwhile, his mother developed some kind of relationship with a neighbour and they both often shut themselves in the bed room when his father was away. She always made Rajendra sit in the balcony and inform her if Father was nearing home. It is no wonder that Rajendra grew up suspecting every woman that he came across in his life including his poor wife.

On the other hand, Sunanda is the eldest sibling of her family and grew up in a very loving atmosphere. Her parents respected each other and rarely expressed their differences in front of their children.

Soon after marriage, Suresh started putting several restrictions on Sunanda, such as not talking to any other man, including her own brothers. Initially, Sunanda felt bewildered by those suggestions but complied with those restrictions to avoid any conflict. But the list of 'banned people' only kept growing longer and longer... until it became unbearable.

Effect of a suspicious mind

An 'insecure child' will find it very difficult to believe that he/she is 'adequate' for his/her spouse. If the spouse is 'more educated' or 'more beautiful' or 'more popular', or 'earning more', the whole issue becomes even more intolerable. Such minds even create stories in their imagination and start collecting 'evidence' to prove their stories! For them, it will all look very real.

Psychological solution

The first step will be to identify the root causes of these suspicions that you are feeling because of your childhood experiences. While you cannot alter the past, the very awareness could help you weed out irrational fears and anxieties. That will be the first step towards building a secure mindset.

As a next step, start building trust as part of your mental constitution. It could be as simple a step as not 'rechecking' the door you just locked consciously (the suspicion will affect all areas of life, including this one). Write down the areas you improved so that you will see progress and build more trust.

It is important to analyse the issue with your spouse and identify the triggers. Your spouse could help you by avoiding certain triggers as you build your mind steadily and also by pointing out gently the rationale of situations. It is difficult to get over this phase without humility to accept the situation and willingness to work on it. In case you need assistance to start the process, you should approach a trained family counsellor.

Spiritual solution

However, the real solution lies outside the individual! The concerned individual needs to know where they can get real 'love' and 'stability' which they missed in their childhood. They need to know the source of absolute love from their Creator who said, "I have loved thee with everlasting love" [1]. The trust in the living God brings absolute stability that hinges upon His character - "I am the Lord, I change not" [2]. If he/she cares to establish a covenant relationship with this 'Absolute' God, the promise from the divine comes alive - "as many as received him, to them gave him power to become the son of God" [3].

The internalisation of that magnificent truth helps the person to find their 'worth' outside themselves! For such people, 'God' is no longer a mere abstract. They can boldly declare "For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor powers nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"[4]. At that stage, one can look at themselves with confidence and state "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" [5]. This renewed confidence helps the person to face any relationship without the 'fear of rejection'.

Medical solution

One has to assess the magnitude of the problem and the rate at which it is deteriorating. If the issue is increasing by the day, it could be a 'delusional disorder' and might require help from a qualified Psychiatrist who can help with medication. One should not consider this step to be a 'stigma' in society and avoid it. This is like any other physical ailments that require the help of a doctor.

Medical assistance has to be aided with the other solutions listed in the previous sections in order to get a lasting solution to the issue. A committed spouse should walk with the person concerned closely during this journey to find a lasting solution.

Devika

Some years ago, we met this old lady, who, in her youth, suffered at the hands of her suspicious husband. But at some point, his mind was 'renewed' miraculously with the spiritual solution described above, and he made a total turn around in his marital relationship! A few years later when he died, we met her at the funeral service. Through her tears we heard her muttering these words "He loved me so dearly... O Lord, how will I ever live without him?!"

References

[*] Names changed

[1] Bible - Jeremiah 31:3

[2] Bible - Malachi 3:6

[3] Bible - John 1:12

[4] Bible - Romans 8:38,39

[5] Bible - Philippians 4:13