Suresh and Sunanda

Suresh* secretly stood at the bus stop where his wife Sunanda* boarded the bus, to see whether she was talking to any other guys and then leaped the bus to check whether she was sitting next to a man.

It was only two months since marriage, but from Day 1, he was tormented by thoughts of his wife being unfaithful. Every day, he follows her to work, every night he interrogates her about her office interactions. He doesn't even like her talking to her male relatives!

Even though he can't find anything amiss, and he loves his wife dearly, he is not able to get away with this nagging thought of her drifting away from him.

Suresh grew up in a small town as the eldest child of his parents. On many nights, Suresh had woken up terrified, hearing his parents screaming at each other. He hated feeling unloved and longed for a different life. His father disliked his wife being seen in public, and Suresh had witnessed his mother being beaten by his father over her violating this unwritten rule. His mother was more educated than his father and he always felt that this was the cause for her misbehaviour.

On the other hand, Sunanda is the eldest sibling of her family and grew up in a very loving atmosphere. Her parents respected each other and rarely expressed their differences in front of their children.

Soon after marriage, Suresh started putting several restrictions on Sunanda, such as not to talk to any other men, including her own brothers. Initially, Sunanda felt bewildered by those suggestions but complied with those restrictions to avoid any conflicts. But the list of 'banned people' only kept growing longer and longer... until it became unbearable.

Source of a suspicious mind

Often, a suspicious mind stems out of childhood experiences of individuals. If their parents were fearful and insecure themselves, naturally the child also develops similar patterns, because parents wouldn't provide affection freely. A 'domineering parent 'who takes 'all decisions' for their child, also plants potential 'insecurity' in the life of their child. The child will not have the courage to take any decision and suspect the worst in everything.

The same thing happens if parents are 'inconsistent' in their approach. For example, suppose a set of parents at times appear 'very strict' and on other occasions 'very lenient' on the same issue (or one parent acts 'strict' and the other is 'lenient'). This situation creates a kind of 'fluid' mindset in children, and they will be very unsure of anything as there is no predictability in anything. They will be constantly worried about what could go wrong.

Yet another reason can be traced to homes where parents spend very little quality time with children, or homes where constant changes in jobs, geography, etc. are happening. This can easily be the breeding ground of building 'insecure' children. Many times, parents consider children to be part of their 'furniture', as if they have no 'emotions' about any of these major changes to their lives. It is likely that children grow up believing that they have to find their own security in life as no one cares for them.

Comparing children with their so-called 'better classmates' or 'a compliant child' at home, in order to 'encourage' them, in reality, makes the child feel more 'insecure' and 'inadequate' to hold a relationship.

Effect of a suspicious mind

An 'insecure child' will find it very difficult to believe that he/she is 'adequate' for his/her spouse. If the spouse is 'more educated' or 'more beautiful' or 'more popular', or 'earning more', the whole issue becomes even more intolerable. Such minds even create stories in their imagination and start collecting 'evidence' to prove their stories! For them, it will all look very real.

Psychological solutions

The first step will be to identify the root causes of these suspicions that you are feeling because of your childhood experiences. While you cannot alter the past, the very awareness could help you weed out irrational fears and anxieties. That will be the first step towards building a secure mindset.

As a next step, start building trust as part of your mental constitution. It could be as simple a step as not 'rechecking' the door you just locked consciously (the suspicion will affect all areas of life, including this one). Write down the areas you improved, trust so that you will see progress and build more trust.

It is important to analyse the issue with your spouse and identify the triggers. Your spouse could help you by avoiding certain triggers as you build your mind steadily and also by pointing out gently the rationale of situations. It is difficult to get over this phase without humility to accept the situation and willingness to work on it. In case you need assistance to start the process, you should approach a trained family counsellor.

Spiritual solution

However, the real solution lies outside the individual! The concerned individual needs to know where they can get real 'love' and 'stability' which they missed in their childhood. They need to know the source of absolute love and could declare "I have loved thee with everlasting love"^{1} and absolute stability, which is reflected in those words "I am the Lord, I change not"^{2}. If he/she cares to establish a covenant relationship with this 'Absolute' God, the promise from the divine comes alive "as many as received him, to them gave him power to become the son of God"^{3}.

The internalisation of that magnificent truth helps the person to find their 'worth' outside themselves! For such people, 'God' is no longer a mere abstract. They can boldly declare "For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor powers nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"^{4}. At that stage, one can look at themselves with confidence and state "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me"^{5}. This renewed confidence helps the person to face any relationship without the 'fear of rejection'.

Medical solution

One has to assess the magnitude of the problem and the rate at which it is deteriorating. If the issue is increasing by the day, it could be a 'delusional disorder' and might require help from a qualified Psychiatrist who can help with medication. One should not consider this step to be a 'stigma' in society and avoid it. This is like any other physical ailments that require the help of a doctor.

Medical assistance has to be aided with the other solutions listed in the previous sections in order to get a lasting solution to the issue. A committed spouse should walk with the person concerned closely during this journey to find a lasting solution.

Devika

Some years ago, we met this old lady*, who, in her youth, suffered at the hands of her suspicious husband. But at some point, his mind was 'renewed' miraculously with the spiritual solution described above, and he made a total turn around in his marital relationship! A few years later when he died, we met her at the funeral service. Through her tears we heard her muttering these words "He loved me so dearly... O Lord, how will I ever live without him?!"

*Names changed

^{1} Bible - Jeremiah 31:3

^{2} Bible - Malachi 3:6

^{3} Bible - John 1:12

^{4} Bible - Romans 8:38,39

^{5} Bible - Philippians 4:13