In the initial days of love, we couldn't stop talking and listening with each other... even silence was communicating enormous amount of emotions!

Diminishing communication in family life

In the initial days of love, we couldn't stop talking and listening to each other... even silence was communicating an enormous amount of emotions!

Communication is the means to reveal who we are, and we are eager to know and reveal to each other. Unless we 'reveal' ourselves and in turn, our spouses 'accepts' who we are as we are, the perfect love will not blossom. It is only then that the 'oneness' of thoughts and aspirations can be achieved in marriage.

In the initial period of marriage, couples enjoy long hours of conversation. In those initial days, we were hardly concerned about the 'subject' of discussion. We just wanted to talk and hear... Actually, the desire to know the other person drives our quest for communication. In that period, listening to your spouse was marked by interest, a non-critical attitude, understanding of feelings and careful avoidance of any distractions while talking.

However, over the years, often communication gets dried up. The typical symptom is when a wife presents an issue, husbands will start behaving like 'advice wending machines' or 'serial interrupters'. Alarm bells should loudly ring when spouses start pretending to be listening while browsing the net or watching TV. In such relationships, the desire to 'listen' is dried up. Sometimes, the desire to 'talk' gets up too.

This is as dangerous as running your automobile without engine oil! It will not be too long before you spoil the engine and bring it to a grinding halt.

Use of communication barometer

There are some measurement tools that can be used to assess your level of communication in family life. We wish to call them as 'Five level communication barometer'! You can do a self-assessment of the level of communication currently existing in your Marriage.

Level 1: Communication of existence

There are some measurement tools that can be used to assess your level of communication in family life. We wish to call them 'Five level communication barometers'! You can do a self-assessment of the level of communication currently existing in your marriage.

The lowest level of communication in marriage is to be in a state of merely acknowledging one another's 'existence'. That is why it is called the 'existential level' of communication! Typically, evening communication in such relationships will be limited to some of the following 'dialogues' in a span of 3-4 hours:

"How are you?" "Good". Thereafter, silence... both got into their respective chores... "Where's my towel" (roaring from the bathroom as he just noticed the disappearance of the towel from its hook. Poor wife runs in with the towel before the volcano erupts!). Again silence... The TV switched on... hours of 'Channel browsing' began... In between, some mobile calls get answered... "Dinner is kept on the table... I have a headache and am I going to sleep"... "Hum"... (eyes are still fixed on the TV).

The above level of communication reveals that the desire and excitement to know about the other person is almost dried up in their relationship... it's all about self; 'I, me and myself'! Here, the other person exists only for 'my' good. Therefore, communication has become part of the chore in order to get what 'I' want out of this co-existence! This is a dangerous state to be in as here the relationship is at its lowest level.

Level 2: Communication of facts

The next level is better than Level-1 and is called 'Factual level' communication. Generally, communication at this level revolves around 'facts'. The following could be typical dialogues that you can hear from that house on any given evening:

"Raju is going for a school picnic this Friday"... "I will be travelling to Chennai next week"... "Our maid is asking for a hike in salary"... "Too much sugar in this tea"... "When are we going for grocery shopping? Dal and pulses are over"... "Nowadays it's getting cold by evening" (amazing fact that none else knew!)... "Can you call the plumber to fix the leakage of the bathroom tap please?" (The word 'please' here means, 'you lazy bum')... "I'm feeling feverish today"

Although there are lots of communications happening here, the whole thing is revolved around objective discussion of facts only. It doesn't help in building a relationship. If they want to share their emotional feelings, they find it more comfortable going to their 'mother' or 'sister' or 'friends'. Very soon, 'Fact level communication' is headed towards 'existential level of communication'.

Level 3: Communication of thought

This is still better! At this level, spouses find it comfortable to share their thoughts, ideas and opinions about the subject in discussion. This will open up Spouses to each other because it let out the kind of thoughts going inside the other person. Some of the typical communications can be as follows:

"Honey, I think a light colour shirt would fit you better than a Black one because your face looks brighter with light shades."

"I think, we should not spend so much money on this new Samsung Curved LED TV set right now as we will not have enough money to paint our house which is not done for the last 6 years."

Couples, who have reached at this level comfortably, enjoy greater freedom in their relationship. It indicates a level of 'fearlessness' to share ones thought to the other person which is certainly a very healthy sign.

However, there are some cases where one of the Spouses is freely sharing thoughts and ideas and the other is almost silenced! That is not a 'thought level' of communication; rather it is one-sided dictatorial communication which is the worst form of 'existential level'!

Level 4: Communication of feelings

A still better stage of communication is 'feelings level communication'. This is a stage where couples share their feelings and thoughts inside of them as freely as facts around them. It brings a tremendous level of emotional intimacy between the spouses. Here, spouses are not 'ashamed' or 'frightened' to share their actual inner feelings with themselves. They have no need for a third person, be it mothers or sisters or friends, to unload their innermost anxiety and fears.

Several men find this level of communication very difficult as they always wanted to portray themselves as strong and not vulnerable to emotions. Many cultures insist that 'boys will not cry like girls'. Thus, men grow up suppressing their emotions and believe that if they express their emotions in front of their wives, they will lose respect!

Some of the examples of feelings level communications are as follows:

"My boss was howling yesterday about this month's numbers. On a call yesterday, he really abused me in front of my subordinates. I wonder what we will do if I lose my job"

"I really feel worthless sitting at home and looking after our children. My career is ruined and now even the children have no respect for me."

"I think that woman is trying to be up and close with you. Please don't get her into your car after work. Let her find her transportation"

Feelings level of communication will be impossible if one of the spouses is in the habit of 'criticising' or 'insulting' or getting 'angry' very soon. Such behaviours will get interpreted as rejection of your spouse's feelings.

Some well-meaning spouses (particularly men) misunderstand the shared information as seeking 'solutions'. They immediately launch into solving the issue with solutions one after the other. This cuts off the opportunity of empathising with the feelings expressed and becoming one with the spouse in his/her emotions.

Level 5: Communication at total transparency level

Story of a corporate executive

We recollect a lady (Senior Vice President) in one of the largest corporations in India, aged 42, boasting how meticulously their 'marital contract' is set. According to her, even her toilet is not allowed to be used by her husband, who, thankfully, lives in the same house! However, the fact is that they have created two separate islands in their relationship and feel safe when both do not intrude into each other's 'territory'.

This is a far cry from the 'total transparency level' of communication. The ancient book of wisdom describes the 'total transparency level' with this beautiful expression; "They both were naked and were not ashamed"^{2}. That is, absolute nakedness in all areas of life with one another without an iota of shame or fear of rejection! A marriage relationship becomes 'heavenly' when a couple lives at the 5th level of communication. No amount of money can buy this stage!

^{1} Bible - Genesis 2:23 ^{2} Bible - Genesis 2:25