Several married people that we meet over counselling sessions, often secretly confide "My spouse is no more attractive" and they add "There was a time when I used to feel that my spouse was the best in the world... but over the years that feeling faded away!" There is something within us that draws us to beauty. Interestingly, the appetite for beauty is unique to human beings. Dogs will not huddle around to watch the beauty of sunset!

Cultural bias of beauty

The definition of beauty has a cultural connotation. In China, not long ago, women's beauty was measured by the size of feet. The smaller the size, the greater the beauty! There the culture defined the beauty of a woman author by the size of her feet! (Thank God, both of us, authors were not born there! We constantly struggle to get our 'large size footwear!!)

Some tribal cultures in India define beauty as having a massive "nose ring" or 'ear ring' that stretches the ears to the shape of a 'Medu Vada'! Some others define it as having "bangles covering both hands". In Polynesian culture, a 'giant person' was considered wealthy and healthy and obese, while a slim person was considered poor or unhealthy (one country where obesity gets more marks!).

In many Western cultures, beauty is measured by how "slim or thin" you are or what colour of eyes or hair you have etc. It is different in different cultures.

Once, we asked a young man who approached us for pre-marital counselling, to describe his 'concept of beauty'. We insisted that he would describe the imaginary 'modern girl' whom he wishes to marry. He thought for a while and started describing... "a girl who is humble. A girl who is obedient... who is fashionably dressed and works in a corporate office. "At the end of the description, the 'imaginary girl' was looking very much like a combination of his mother and sister!

In India, we have several cultures across the states and hence there is no 'single definition' that fits all. Migration to cities aggravates the problem as one's own spouse' looks very 'out of fashion' in the new setting! Some try to 'change' their 'appearance & behaviour' to fit the 'new culture'! Huge resistance and pain follows... and then follows the refrain "My spouse is not modern."

Beauty is divine

Adolf Hitler considered that the Holocaust was a 'beautiful event'! But, most people would agree that it was an ugly affair. There comes the philosophical question "Is beauty in the eyes of the beholder?" Or "Is beauty a relative or subjective experience?" Philosophy has traditionally grouped 'Truth', 'Good', and 'Beauty' together and 'False, bad and ugly' together.

There are 2 components to beauty.

1. Admirable beauty. True, good and intrinsically beautiful and

2. Enjoyable beauty, Pleasure derived out of 'Admirable beauty'.

Hitler's act was 'enjoyable beauty' to him (subjective) but it was not 'admirable beauty' (devoid of objective good and truth in it). Therefore, 'real beauty' has to be admirable for its 'truth and goodness''. Truth and goodness' has to be connected to an 'absolute standard' (or else, something that I feel good about will not be felt as good for you). The absolute standard of 'good and truth' relates to God. Therefore, beauty relates to God!

What then is the beauty of God? His wisdom is beautiful wisdom, his power is beautiful power, his justice is beautiful justice, and his love is beautiful love... Therefore, God is the epitome of beauty!

Imagine a 'couple in love' conversing with each other. It's a joy watching such newly wedded couples, isn't it? It is because we crave to see the beauty of love! In fact, true and unselfish love reflects God's love... God is love!

Beauty adulterated

In the modern world, 'truth' has become a subjective matter. And therefore, 'beauty' has to become a 'relative term'. The Film/Fashion industries have become the 'relative standards' for assessing 'outward appearance'. This has huge 'commercial calculations' behind it. When 'cosmetic' companies wanted to sell their wares in India, suddenly we saw several Indian girls becoming 'World beauties' world world, an industry is slowly becoming established here! A few years ago, it was 'African girls'! The global media propagate this concept assiduously because they too are part of this business empire... These powerful 'influencers' have gripped our society!

A personal story

A few years ago, one of our daughters was 'comparing' an event for her School Annual Day. She wore a beautiful white shirt, red tie and a knee-long black skirt! Just before the program started, the teacher 'in charge' approached and made a comment "Couldn't you find a skirt which is shorter?" Alas, this teacher had bought into the Fashion Industries' lie, i.e. 'shorter mini-skirts exposing her thighs are the in-thing'! In reality, the teacher should have been appreciating her ear's beautiful 'power of expression on the stage' rather than expecting her to invite the attention of listeners to her thighs!! Hasn't the so-called 'beauty Industry' 'blinded' us to real beauty?

Beauty in spouse

When we speak of "beautiful people", we rarely think of anything beyond physical bodies... We have lost our senses to admire the beauty of 'hard work', 'sacrifice', 'selflessness' and 'devotion' of our spouses! We have become blind!

A few kilos of additional pounds that the wife gained became 'ugly'! Her husband became blind to the beauty of her 'painful childbearing' a few years ago, which made her tummy a bit 'fatter'! He can't see the beauty of her anymore, of her 'commitment and hard work' every day to keep the family in one piece... the psychological pressure tactics of children, all the nagging comments of her mother-in-law and the heat of the day. He had become blind to her beauty!

A woman whom we met at the counselling sessions complained that her husband is so 'boring' and she doesn't like his presence anymore... he sleeps... he speaks less... he earns less... he has no romance. He doesn't satisfy her sexual urges... he is low in confidence... he has no imagination... So on and so forth! When we met the 'boring man' separately, we found him to be a sincere man, working hard to keep ends meet. He had several physical and professional setbacks and was still striving to keep the family outfit. He was born in a poor family and fought his way up through a professional college and continuing his struggle in a world that is hostile. Years ago, a 'beautiful woman' from an aristocratic family chased him like a 'wild boar' and somehow managed to get married to him... but now the same woman is complaining he is so boring!! She had become blind to seeing his beauty!

Beauty blindness surgery

There is surgery available for various eye-related problems, cataract operations etc... but how about 'psychological blindness surgery' to see real beauty?

The first place to start is an operation on our 'personal values'. Beauty has to be re-defined in your value system. Take, for example, the old values that suggest that 'marital fidelity is beautiful and infidelity is ugly'. Social Media portray a very different idea today. Infidelity is often portrayed as 'smart'! As long as you are a sympathiser of this 'popular' view, your spouse will never be 'beautiful' or 'smart' in your eyes! There is always the 'other' who is 'smarter' and 'better'! Your eyes will keep wandering all the time for that 'perfect beauty' that never comes.

The place to work is on our 'inner eyes'. Start observing the 'real beauty' of your spouse on a daily basis... To begin with, talk openly about your observations of beauty that you find in your spouse openly... beauty beyond skin and shape! Her sacrifices, her poise, her patience, her hard-working ethos, her spiritual mindedness, her devotion, her consistency... Slowly and steadily, you will start seeing more clearly the real 'beauty' of your spouse.

But, we forgot to tell you about this one side effect! Blindness also affects how we see ourselves too! We are often blinded to the 'ugly' side of our characters too, such as selfishness, lack of sympathy, lack of love, lack of patience etc. that we practice every day... Have a hard look at your own life. In that sense, when you truly compare yourself with your spouse... very often, you will find your spouse to be far more beautiful!

Just recollect your 'exploits in Bangkok' behind her back and compare that with her 'chastity' even when you were not watching!! Is a spouse more beautiful?

Yes & Indeed!