The 'In-Law problem' cuts across centuries, cultures and continents! Let us look at the problem from different angles:

From the perspective of the parents (mostly, mother) of the husband: they love their son and gave him their best. They wanted him to be married and settle in life. In fact, they were the ones who arranged his marriage. But after marriage, this new girl seems to be acting like 'Queen' of the house. This house and relationships are made by 'me', brick by brick, and how come, all on a sudden, she 'acts' and 'influences' my son to get her way?! I will not allow her to take away my 'world'!!

From the perspective of the newly 'brought in' daughter-in-law, she loved her husband dearly and wanted to build her 'home' with him. In the initial days, she submitted to her in-laws wholeheartedly, but soon it turned out to be suffocating. In her parental home, she was free to express herself without any inhibition, whereas here, she had to be very mindful of what her in-laws would think. Now she also has been observing how her in-laws are treating her very differently from her husband. How come I have become a 'servant' in this home serving all these people?

Ownership issue

Most parents consider children as their own 'investment instruments' and expect it as their right to start getting 'returns' from them all their lives. All on a sudden, they find 'the new lady in the house' is getting 'more attention' from one of them and panic strikes. What is she up to? Are we not the 'owners' of our son? How can she pretend she 'owns him'? We allowed her to marry him so that he would have a 'good time' in life... not to lose our 'grip on him'. It is time to 'cut the losses'!

Control issue

The sense of 'ownership' always seeks to ‘control’. Is the new bride is slowly taking away 'control' of our son from us? A few shots are then fired to test her 'obedience' in the kitchen... If any resistance is found, some more to her sense of dressing... than her office timing... the behaviour of her parents and relatives coming under fire... Even with all this, if the 'bull' is not getting 'tamed' as expected, then the 'firing' will get opened when the father is around so that a 'clear message' is gone to her that 'we parents are in control'. Don't mess around with us!

Handling issue

In the middle of all this, 'the son' gets stressed by both warring sides, as both are trying to 'own him at the cost of the other'! On one hand, he knows that he and his wife are 'inseparably fused into one', as it is rightly said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh". On the other hand, he also knows that, as a son, it is his solemn responsibility to 'Honour thy father and thy mother'

As ‘th boy’ walks on these 'eggshells' and tries not to break any, he may try to solve it by either batting for his parents aggressively and 'advising' his wife to be understanding and adjust with senior people. In rare cases, the son musters enough courage to bat for his wife. In between all this, there are 'relatives and friends' in the arena, and they further mess up the situation! We are yet to come across any cases ever solved by these so-called 'well-wishers'!!

Parents can be wiser

As parents, we are just 'custodians' of our children till they are married; we don't own them! Our responsibility as parents is to "train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it".

Actually, for Parents, the Son's Marriage should have been a 'Celebration' of him being launched out as an 'independent bird' from their nest! That must have been a very proud moment! Instead of that, trying to 'imprison' him again for selfish reasons is the biggest 'atrocity' that parents can commit towards their children. Girl's parents, too, should know this fact and stop muddling with the life of their daughter after marriage.

Parents should also appreciate that the son and his wife are a 'New Unit' established, and they are 'inseparably united'. We cannot differentiate between son & daughter-in-law and if we try to do that, we are destroying our own son's family life and future.

I know of a father, who told his 'only son' to rent a separate house for himself a month before his marriage. We were thrilled to see him helping this young man to set up his own rented house and getting the newly married couple settled separately. No wonder we see this newly married couple spending many happy weekends in their parents' home!

Daughter-in-laws can be wiser

It seems that 'daughters' enter into the 'in-laws' house' as if entering into a 'war zone'; many TV-shows make it look like that. That need not be the case. The immediate priority of a newly married couple is to get the 'chemistry' between husband and wife right before getting worried about 'who controls what'. If they could know one another deep enough through open and warm communications and cheerful times spent in each other's exclusive company, all other problems can be resolved together in the future.

Daughters also can avoid making 'imaginary wars' in their minds by 'connecting every dot' to convince themselves how poorly she is treated. If she is bothered too much about any specific behaviour of in-laws, she should rather express her concern to her husband in a place and time when both of them are having a calm and happy time. If the 'concern' is expressed as 'how I am feeling' in the 'problem situation at home', in all likelihood it will get a response of sympathy and some solutions from your husband. But if the problem at home is expressed as 'how your parents are behaving', then in all likelihood you will see a strong 'defence position' from your husband who will exhort you that his parents are not of 'that type' and how wrong you are in your assessment.

Sons can be wiser

Sons should know that your wife has 'no one else' to 'nurture and cherish' her. You should be her 'Defence' and the 'source of comfort'. Give her that 'commitment' that you will stand with her whatever the situation is and at any cost. This 'commitment' itself will release a lot of tension from her. Indeed, you should be willing to 'Walk the Talk' as well.

In case the situation demands, you should prepare yourself to discuss it with your parents. Parents should get the message that 'you and your wife are inseparable'; that is, if she is hurt, you too are hurt; if she is insulted, you too are insulted.

You should also let your parents know that 'your commitment to taking care of them' is non-alterable and your wife is also on the same page in that matter. That will release a lot of pressure from your parents too.

Finally, you must let them know that, as a new family, you wish to take your own decisions in your family and that is the only way you can be prepared to face the future independently.

Thus In-laws can truly become In-love!