It was around 11pm. The end of a gruelling day, and I was about to sleep when the annoying SMS alert got my attention! Expecting it to be some message from the office, half-heartedly I read it:

That was a message from a frightened boy who didn't know how to handle that situation when the atmosphere of his home turned into a 'Wagah' border! He knew that his parents were seeing us for counselling and decided to reach out to his own problem!

Your words are the door to 'yourself'

The design of 'family life' is such that there is nothing that needs to be hidden in the co-existence of a husband and wife. However, this transparency can be achieved only through communication. Communication is designed to reveal who we are. In fact, even in our Spiritual realm, unless God reveals Himself to us through some communication, there is no way that we can ever get to know Him. The more we know our God, the more we love Him.

We came across a gentleman aged 62, who worked several years in the Middle East while his family was left behind in India. Many years later when he retired, they were finding difficulty in adjusting with each other. From the time of marriage, they had been living apart from one another other than 2 months of annual vacation. During such holidays they enjoyed the company of each other very much... But then what happens after retirement? Actually, they lost the early days of intense communication since they were living apart for most of the year... that resulted in them losing the opportunity of knowing each other and adjusting with each other. They knew only the 'holiday behaviour' of each other, which disappeared after retirement, as the 'time together' is not just 2 months anymore!!

Selfishness contaminates communication

It is indeed torturous to live in an atmosphere of selfishness. The inner selfish attitude of 'My way or high way' brings out the worst in us out into the open. We are aware that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". If we are 'self-less', our motto in life would be to 'Sever One Another'. If that's not what you are experiencing, then I fear, there is some level of 'selfishness' already crept into your marriage!

Spouse talk - learner's license!

Generally, we speak to our spouses the way we have seen our parents talking to each other. Even if you didn't like certain things in your parents' style, you end up doing the same thing in your marriage! This is called the influence of 'family of origin'.

But your spouse comes from a very different 'family of origin' and she is adapting to a very different style of communication! That brings about the obvious 'conflict"! Although the couple is committed to loving each other, they end up having so many arguments and fights!

It is in this background, we suggest that a couple should first take a 'Learner's License' in talking to each other! That is to learn the Spouse's 'world view' at any given discussion point, before making arbitrarily an opinion from your own 'world view'! This is a tough learning process - as tough as cracking a NEET exam!! This calls for huge patience and great love for each other... It also calls for 'self-less-ness' in me!!

Where is the time to talk?

"Where is time to talk with my Spouse in the midst of the corporate 'rat race' (after the entire race, rats remain like rats, though!)?" The fact of the matter is whether talking to your Spouse is a priority at all for you! If the answer is yes, I am sure you will find time!

Once a 'desperate wife' complained to us that her husband gets irritated if she calls him during office hours. However, when he returns home, he is too tired to talk! The same guy is very active in the WhatsApp group of his college friends and spends hours enjoying their communication!! It's all about 'priority' and 'preference'!

No 'joint ventures' ever work if there is no communication. If the desire for 'glory in office' or 'stress of office' takes over your mind and time, the most precious life-long 'joint venture with your Spouse' is pushed to the brink of collapse... What is more important for you?!

There is no privacy to talk about!

"Mine is a joint family.... How will my parents react if I keep speaking to my spouse when I come home from work?". This is a regular refrain that we hear particularly in big cities where space is a constraint... But the 'real issue' is not privacy - it's about 'fear' of offending the 'old relationships' with the 'new relationship'!

A husband and wife is 'one flesh' - they are no more two, but one. It is important for all stakeholders around you to understand and appreciate this amazing fact. It doesn't take away old relationships... it simply super-emboss a new one which is far more intense! If the new relationship needs to flourish, it should have a regular period for healthy communication.

Folks, you better start talking!