"Oh my darling, please forgive me… will you please pardon me? I will spend all my time with you… Don’t go away…. “ He was wailing uncontrollably when his 46 year old wife’s dead body was taken to the Crematorium.

He was climbing Corporate ladder faster than his peers. His wife was a ‘silent sufferer’ at home, looking after their two children, an ailing father-in-law and the comfort of her ‘successful’ husband. She occasionally snapped and told him with tears how she is getting overwhelmed with demands of everyone around her… she begged for his time and emotional support. He simply ignored all of that and pacified his conscience…. after all, he is labouring for the good future of his wife and children…

Tragedy struck unexpectedly. She had a stroke and no one was around her for a few hours. They found her dead near the kitchen sink.

Chasing a mirage

Sometime ago, we met an old man who left his wife and son to live in an 'old-age home'... He was working in one of the Middle Eastern countries, while his family was living in India. Annually he used to get 30 days of leave and that was the only time he got to spend with his wife and child. After 32 years of this routine, he retired. In those years, he had met his family 34 times and spend just 34 months with them. Now that he has all the time in the world to spend with his family, some thing strange started happening. His wife was losing her ‘freedom’ at home with his constant and ‘endless’ presence. For his 28 year old son, he was a total stranger.. He was finding it odd that the attitude of his wife and son were turning hostile after his retirement . On their part, they were finding a very different person whom they never knew before…. ‘Holiday behaviour’ of all the 3 in the family during his annual vacations were very different from who they actually were. Finally, with a broken heart, he decided to leave his house.

We are often confused about what would give us ultimate happiness. Many in the corporate world think that reaching a CEO-level is the 'ultimate nirvana' in life. Those who scale that height think of becoming the CEO of a greater company... But once they reach there, they start dreaming about how to 'own' it! The strange thing is that the 'owner' himself is spending sleepless nights figuring out how to hang around there without being edged out by market forces!! Even the first in the list of Fortune-500 is chasing the dream of how to continue there...

For some 'lesser mortals' like us, life is all about ‘the future’ - ensuring a ‘good retirement' and the 'well-being of children' in the future. In the process of chasing those dreams, the 'present' is completely lost. It is an irony that while concerns about the 'future' of our family drives us today, we tend to ignore our ‘current’ relationship with them , resulting in a strained relationship with them in the ‘future’ !

For others, life is all about the ‘here and now’. They chase the present pleasures and satisfaction as their ultimate goal. For them, relationships are mere means to satisfy selfish pleasures and hence viewed as ‘transactional’. Therefore, a family relationship too will be built on the shaky foundation of the “what is in it for me” attitude. Many of them develop ‘extra marital affairs’ in their pursuit for newer terrains that keep the party going.

Rock solid relationships

The 'sweet fragrance' of committed relationships are even cherished long after the person is gone. Often we observe, the ‘security’ enjoyed in those relationships propel their children to ‘re-live’ the same ethos in their own marital relationships too. They continue from one generation to the other.

Sharada is a 72-year-old widow from South India. Her husband was on a wheel chair during his last few years and passed away 8 years ago. They loved each other so dearly all their lives. During one of our conversations his name came up and tears started welling up in her eyes. We felt sad for having touched upon his memories. She responded - "No... no. I am glad you spoke about him! These tears are of immense joy and satisfaction... Although many years have gone by, I miss him so badly. He was my ‘everything’ even when he was bound to the wheel chair"

A good husband-wife relationship nurtured over the years works out to be the greatest comfort and satisfaction when they pass through the autumn of their lives. They will reap the sweetness of 'commitment' kept through thick and thin... They spent their resources (especially, time and energy) strengthening and building that 'covenant' relationship.

Romanticised relationships

In a world of 'online relationships', the idea of a 'covenant relationship' is rather strange! Perhaps the psychology there often mirrors that of 'online purchases'!  Experts say that the rush of blood (online Nirvana!) that we attain while striking a grand bargain online, is not very different from what we experience when an on-line contact turns into a relationship! Gourav Rakshit, of shaadi.com once said, "Youngsters should not take online matrimony as a means to instant gratification as they do in other forms of e-commerce"[1]. This was said in the wake of estimates by divorce lawyers that nearly half of marital break-ups, involve partners who met online.

In the Post-Shakespearian world, there is great emphasis on ‘relationships based on romantic feelings’. Advent of the ‘web’ only accelerated this trend as the ‘acceptance’ or ‘rejection’ from the other side is much more easy to handle over a Web-connection.

The down side of the story is when relationships are solely built on certain body chemicals that are producing ‘romantic feelings’. This ‘chemistry’ will certainly undergo changes when the couple start living together. They suddenly will start feeling that the earth beneath them is gone.

Arranged relationships

Pradeep was an ambitious small town boy who came to the City of Delhi following the footsteps of his big brothers. He dreamed of making it big the same way his brothers did. But his brothers were not very pleased. For them, he was only 'fit' to look after their assets (land and buildings back in their village) and liability (i.e. their Parents in the village!) and thus 'balance' the 'sheet' of their own lives!

One day, it was decided in a family 'Darbar' that this boy should be married! They found a girl and got him married. A few weeks before he tied the knot, I happened to ask him about the sudden decision to marry, and he quipped "Beggars have no choice"! They got married and soon a child was born.

Soon after, he left both wife and child at her parent's home and started living his dream all alone... He always had a feeling that his Partner was ‘forced upon him’ by his big brothers… In his mind, the ‘wife he should have married’ was very different from the one he has. The feeling of ‘victimhood’ and ‘self pity’ drew him far from her. The relationship never took off.

In a cold December, she was diagnosed with advanced stage of cancer... and a few months later she died holding the hands of her little child... He was filled with remorse and guilt… But now it is too late.

Covenant relationships

That brings us to the topic of ‘Covenant relationships’. The foundation of this is neither ‘romance’ nor ‘arrangement’. It is also not based on some elaborate ‘contract’ that gets signed between partners. There is a profound difference between a 'Covenant' and a 'Contract'.

A contract provides 'Terms & Conditions’ (T&C), in case the relationship breaks up. But a Covenant gives no T&C as there is no ground for a ‘break up’ in it. A contractual love relationship is based on the performance of ‘terms and conditions’ agreed upon by both parties. But a Covenant love relationship is based on the principle of 'no turning back'. Haven't we heard of folklore where a brave cavalry burns bridges behind them while entering into enemy territory? That is how they display their covenant of 'no turning back'! Likewise, in Covenant-Family-relationships there is a 'no turning back' clause inbuilt in it.

Covenant marriages do not work on the 'mutual benefit' principle. Instead, it works on, the 'Prefer one another[2]' principle! The beauty of marriage lies where both husband and wife get into a 'covenant relationship'. The 'D-company' (D here stands for Divorce) simply does not exist even in their imaginations! When such relationships mature, they are awesome to watch! But when relationships are built merely on flimsy emotions and expectations, marriage relationship becomes shaky.

Relationships without regrets

It is a given that all of us have an 'expiry date' for our lives. What could be the possible regrets that could haunt us in those last moments? We are yet to find a man on his deathbed regretting, "how I wish I had worked a few more hours in my office" or "how I wish I would have made some more money"! I haven't heard Steve Jobs of Apple Company on his bed regretting his unfinished designs!

On the other hand, some shattering images of people still linger in our minds who were terribly depressed on their deathbed for having neglected their families all their lives while chasing the mirage of corporate glory... One of those men stand out in my memory, whose son by then was a drug addict. He held my hand tight and with quivering lips cried "I never had time for my son... I am the reason for ruining my family... it's all because of me."

Wiser is the man who realises that there will be a 'year-end', before the 'year' actually ends!

References

[1] Quotes from an article written by Harsimran Julka & Apurva Vishwanath for Economic Times titled "Divorced from reality, online unions in trouble”

[2] “Prefer one another” - Quote from Bible - Romans 12:10